Insecurities

Peace to you. I feel there's something that I need to share.

Everyone has insecurities within themselves. I believe that everyone has their own "soft spots". As a human being, I have my own as well. Let me share a fraction of it.

p/s : Just to note you that this will be my first time sharing my own insecurities to the public. I've always displayed myself as someone who brightens up the surrounding people. In personality term, it's called an extrovert. But there's always another side of the story. I am an "ambivert". I like spending time on my own as well as my social time.

There are moments whereby I feel like becoming a shadow or just invisible from the public. Whenever this occurs, I'd distance myself or at least I'll just keep myself shut. Usually, I'd insist on not speaking anything. I can't even find any reason to speak anything, that's how bad it is. Literally.

This usually happens unexpectedly. Sometimes, it even occurs in the middle of a social gathering. A minute earlier, I was the heart of the group conversation. The next minute, I left the group searching a secluded area just to be away from people. That's how I act. That's how weird I find myself as. In some way, I do have insufficient morale support. Honest thought.

I've been researching on my own personality. It seems rather that I'm somewhere in between an extrovert and introvert. This area is called an "ambivert".

Short explanation on how an ambivert works, it's in-between both :

Introvert-ness happens to the extend of me going for solo hikes. Sipping my flat-white alone in a cafe, sitting alone nearby KLCC's fountain and observe people's behaviors. My favourite is to see how parents treat their little ones. Because deep inside, I wish to raise my own child in future. But that's not my point. I just love playing with my own mind. "Thinking" is one of the best trait that I'm blessed with. I don't just simply think but also analyzing whatever thoughts I have. I'll prove a little bit of my mind games...

eg. Just because I find myself sleepy after drinking a glass of milk, it got me thinking that could the reason why babies do sleep once they finish drinking their milks. School never taught me that though.

As for my extrovert moments, I couldn't care less on how I act once the extrovert-ness fires up. There was a moment during an event, the dancefloor was empty but the DJ played good musics. Everyone stood around but did nothing ( because they were scared being labelled as "party people" ). I cared none. So I went to do a solo dance. That moment, I cleared my mind and just focus on dancing ( although I knew little about dances ). People were somehow shocked + cheered to see me that way. Funny shite.

During the event ceremony ( sit-down dinner ), I asked whether was it possible for me to perform ( my class was only invited to fill up empty spots for the event, truth to be told ). The organizer told me yes, I may take the stage. First song was "Cooler than me - Mike Posner". They cheered and sang along with me ( my personal belief : I'd rather let my audience enjoy rather than me enjoying myself ). At the end of the first song, they asked for an encore. So I went for second, "For the first time - The Script". Even my classmates were stunned to see me acting that way and getting loved by the crowd which knew me not. That's how I am when the extroverted-self arises. Depending on the situation, of course.

At the end of the day, I still have to deal with both side of myself. It's fascinating but yet exhausting. I feel insecure over myself because it might be a symptom of bipolar disorder. I can feel high on the sky ( without consuming any "substance" ) and sometimes low as if I'm not worth living on this world.